Whaddup, son sons? *cheese grins at Tre* *ice grills Adam*
Long time no blog, I know. Life is HECTIC. But lately I have been lounging more than usual. I just didn't feel like writing anything. I know right *gasp* the writer who doesn't want to write! What a paradox. Oxymoron...? Irony?! One of em.
Ummm, yeah. So what's up, how have y'all been? Cool? Bien? Shalom? Genki ii? Niiiice. I've been ok. Well not really ok, just aiiiight. There's been too much DEATH around me. I *hate* death and I've never been good at handling it. My cousin Roy died. My birds BOTH died. Coretta Scott King is now dead (A"H). My dad could have died. I mean he didn't and the chances were like 3/7000, but still. My pops went in for surgery on his left knee yesterday and is now recovering well. He finally decided to correct a 40 yr. old problem created by an accident when he was 20. Funny how stubborn people can be and how stubborn people can be funny.
There were a bunch of HOT young doctors on my dad's floor @ the hospital yesterday. Whooooo! Now I remember why I was considering medicine. Duh. I'm slow.
Ugh.
Can I be grossly honest with you all?
I really, really need love. Like LL Cool J. Seriously. I haven't been in a beautiful, flowing, rose-tinted committed relationship since *muffled date* Yeah. It's been WAY too long.
*sigh*
And now, if/when I develop feelings for someone, I don't even TRUST myself. I'm not even sure if I'm sincere with how I feel. Cuz deep down I'm convinced it's backed by desperation or some kind of anxiety.
I don't wanna be one of those Terry McMillan type desperate wenches. Yeah, that's harsh but that's real. Seriously. Like I remember saying last time I had feelings for my best friend, Migs. Ehhhhh, that's like incest almost! And someone else? I don't even remember who it was lol. And who else, some messed up dude? Pass on aaaaall of that! See why I can't trust myself?
Maybe I *do* need a shadchan! *grins at Cliff* And Cliff thanks for letting me know where your new blog home is. I like the 'timekeeper' theme, that's dope. And my list has no particular order at all. I shift people around according to how often I read their blogs, I think. I put you more to the bottom ever since 'forrestfire' died and I was floating in the cyber'hood wonder where you disappeared to. Anyway, I need to email you about something personal, re: my list. I'll do that soon so be on the lookout. Oh yeah and PM Stephen Harper (he won) is by NO means kosher. You'll see what I mean in about 3 months time. $81 million for YOUTH incarceration centres!?! Are you kidding me? When these kids have to RENT school books?! Don't even get me started.
So yeah, back to my honesty...
I just want something real. Something that captivates my heart. Something that doesn't completely have me slanted or lopsided where I'm so caught up in the fantasy of it, I forget where my reality begins or ends. Even though that fanciful love is nice, I think I'm too old for that now. I want something organic.
A boho would be nice. hahahaha.
Honestly though. I think I'm expiring. My fresh before date is coming up with the quickness. So it's either you plant me in some rich, nutrient soil or I'll dry up and wither away.
Oh my goodness, and I've noticed a disturbing trend. It seems like my ex's and/or men I've been on the brink with developing relationships with, have all becomes 'gods'. Yeah. "I self am Allah, no one greater." They've all joined the NGE! What have I done? Did a relationship with me shatter their mental health?
Krish Allah, well duh, he's always been interested in the NGE. But after the fallout with him and I, he became a full-fledged god. Then there's 'Los, who's always been a lil eccentric *cough* crazy *cough*. He's now a god too. And finally, Tristan. Yup, Mr. Multiethnic himself is now a god. I don't know how he managed to pull that off, I thought you needed a good amount of melanin to be one...? With his translucent self. And blue-green-grey eyes? Maybe they use him as a 'white devil' mascot.
So that's 3/6. Well 7. Since Krish and I weren't official and neither was *muffled name* and I. But that's 2/5 boyfriends. That's an ignominious statistic.
Actually, please do.
This whole post is making me wanna hurl.
I need to change my layout soon. If someone could help me find something simple, clean, minimal and possibly ad-free, I'd love you for life.
Oh and that's something else I've been pondering, since I analyze the plight of humankind daily. Ummm...is it *really* possible to love someone forever? Is there that *one* person, that's passed through everyone's life that they truly will love for all time? And what if you *dont* end up with that person, does that mean you don't *really* love the person you end up with? Does that mean you're purposefully denying the deep-rooted truth of a love you wish you could have? What if it's one-sided love, does it still count? Can you hold more than one person in your heart at a time? Does that mean you're an emotional bigamist?
No one has the answers. All I know is what I feel. And I'm upset that I feel this way.
I've been dreaming dreams of dreams that are driving me insane. I'm an emotional person. I'd like to assume most of you know this, but actually most of you don't. Yeah, I'm an emotional wasteland full of tumbleweeded passion, sorrow and sometimes, rarely, joy. So lately, I've been having these HEAVY dreams. I wake up and they cloud my mind and wrap around my heart so tightly. I'll carry around what I felt in that dream for DAYS. Weeks even. And they make me absolutely irrational in my waking life. So I then wonder if these dreams are something I need to pay attention to, or if my subconscious is playing games with me.
It's just so strange...and I wish they would stop. I just want some peace. I want to think minimally for once. I'm the biggest transgressor of my newly found mantra.
Ehhhhh *vomit*
This post makes me vulnerable. Therefore, I shall go back into hiding. Kung Hie Fat Choy, btw!
Shalom, chaverim and Oyasumi nasai.
Hebrew and Japanese Words of the Day:
B"N
B'li Neder
Translation: Without taking a vow
Used after a promise, since failure to fulfill a promise is a serious violation of Jewish law. For example, "I'll check that reference tomorrow, B"N." (i.e., if I forget, I don't want to be liable under Jewish law).
Tsukaremashita. Nemui desu.
I'm tired. I'm sleepy.
Current e-Motions: ?!
Today's Riddims: Zero 7 - Polaris
PS. Make sure y'all check out the Excalibur (in my linkas) next month (as in a few days). Your homegirl's got a crazy article in there, plus a poem. hoohoohoohoo! (c) tigger.
PPS. Ummm did I mention that I'm going to marry this man?:
*shivers* It's the dreads. It's aaaalways the dreads. Y'all know Jeff anyway, maaaaan. The only decent thing on BET is his show - The Jeff Johnson Chronicles. *swoon*
4 comments:
Ahhhh, Jason Momoa...what was that show called? Summerland, summerbeach, summer something? North Shore! lol. I dunno, all I know is that boy was a lil too pretty for his own good. Pretty without a cause! Thanks for that refreshing reminder.
Ummm...oh yeah Coretta died yesterday, I believe. Yeah, yesterday, well at least it was on the news yesterday morning. Sad sad...
I don't know if I want a husband *now*, but maybe in the next few years. I just want something solid now. No games, no messing around, just something beautiful and sacred.
And yeah I realize I'm stuck with my predicament. I *do* still love this person and I *always* will. Wrote a poem for him too. You can catch it here: clicka
My question is, if I don't end up with him, am I not going to be able to give myself fully to the dude I *do* end up with?
And my dreams, yes I've shook myself awake many times before. But these recent dreams are so layered, by the time I get out of one I'm still in another. :x
And that man aka The Prototype(TM) is Jeffrey Johnson. I've had him in my links forever now. He's GORGEOUS. And captivating, intelligent, Black community conscious, and a incredible orator and documentarian. *swoon* He's the type of guy I'd do laundry for.
honey, you need to focus yourself. you can only truly love one, in the romantic sense. it's, by and large, a force of will.
i'm done rushing in where angels fear to tread.
hmmm...only truly love one huh? ok, well say that I *do* indeed love one...why am i NOT with that person? and what if i never AM with that person? what if i end up with someone compatible, yet not the true love of my life? what does one do then?
answer those, mr. erudition! lol.
naw, i think we've been over this land-mine before. it's not - at all - that there's some 'soul-mate' that you were forged w/ before creation and then you spend the rest of your life trying to find this mate, resentful and full of spite and emptiness if you don't.
that hole can only be filled by Jesus. but even still, we need community. that's why Jesus calls the church his body. we need that connection.
my point about romantic love is that ultimately, you will likely fall in love with a man (hopefully w/o lowering your standards), and he with you. at that point, you will have to make a choice to turn all of your romantic feelings over to him, w/o questioning, 'what if?'
so, my suggestion is, live for that day. or, as charlie peacock said, live as if heaven is a real place.
and with that, my flu-buggled mind is out.
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