| Toronto has become dry bones. |

I've avoided posting about the gun violence in Tdot on purpose. Firstly, because it makes me LIVID. Secondly, because it makes me feel tremendously burdened.

On the 26th, which is called Boxing Day in Canada (do y'all in the US have that? It's a British thing), 10 people were shot at close to Eaton Center (J, you remember where that was? It's near the first stop we got off at and ate...? The big huge mall that has ten million levels...?). As a result, a teenaged girl was shot dead. (Click the title and/or HERE for the story.)

Since this summer there's been more than 50+ shootings. Not to mention the one that happened IN A CHURCH, A CHURCH I USED TO VISIT FREQUENTLY. And now this one, in front of a mall I visit quite often as well. And funny enough, I was supposed to be down there that day, but I ended up working instead. I wasn't even supposed to work! Baruch Hashem.

I dunno y'all, I dunno. I used to love my city, even underneath all my whining and complaining, this place is my heart and home. But now?!!? What kind of home is this?! What kind of evil has completely overtaken Toronto? Does this city NOT see that it's being spiritually attacked? Obviously, it doesn't, because secularism is rooted so deep into the very culture of Toronto, that the word 'spirit' might as well be banned. Oh yeah, it WILL be, once Bill C-415 passes. And you know it'll pass, cuz that's prophesy right there.

I dunno, son. Something has to be done. And no matter how much we talk about it, sit and discuss it, have town meetings and rally's, nothing on a physical level will ever solve the problem. People's spirits need to be HEALED. It's so serious man - it's too serious.

ever feel so handicapped
and strangled
that the voice
within you is wiped
out underneath the
righteous rage
pitted deep into
your ribcage?

ever feel like
*you* can save the world
yet the world
turns around
and tells you
it rather get rid of
*you* instead?

The helplessness I feel, the inadequacy. What can anyone do? Do people even know what to do?

We can pray. We can fast.

But we need to touch each other. Hold each other. Help each other. Support each other. Attend to each other. All of that = healing.

You ever notice that when Yeshua was going to heal someone, they HAD to address their issues/problems/ailments before He healed them?

Word.

Kids are holding onto guns like life preservers. And I don't blame it on 2 Quarters or Eminem or any other no talented wanna be thug rapper. That's overdone and obviously, not the issue. These kids are starving for love, attention, and GOD. Yes, G-O-D. And if you don't have Adonai in your life and you're wondering why *you* are self-destructiong, THINK about it.

Man, I am SO ANGRY.

All I can offer up is this prayer.

Shalom, chaverim...? (Where IS the shalom?)

Hebrew Word of the Day:

Yetser Ra



(YE-tser ra) n. Evil impulse; inclination to do evil or perform wicked acts. Yetser HaRa is the “old nature” that feeds on sinful impulses.

Current e-Motions: ........
Today's Riddims: Switchfoot - Nothing Is Sound - "Politicians"

PS. I'm starting a blog for my poetry/prose/rambles, cuz I find they need their own space. Once I have it hooked up I'll let y'all know its whereabouts.

: imitatingthe&decon~struc_tionof*punctuation }| . in{rambling) prose ;

It’s always `me` on the other side of the screen, panting hurting and wondering why I’m here and what my purpose is and if the other person on the other other side gets the gist of why I’m there and if it’s of !!!any importance!!! to them * import tenses like I do often when something stabs me in the heart, but heart bruises only cause more blood to pump out which thus makes me even more invincible right+ I thought that was the case, but the court overruled my composure which leads to irrational behaviours of a free soul that takes the time out to sit behind {this side of the screen and ponder where she’s supposed to go from here} I believe my room is the safest bet yet dreams can attack me just as easily as dimly lit computer screens but there’s no cover from danger so I’ll bury myself in my covers and take hold of my pillows for ample ammunition over the incoming bombs of nightmares that befall me, enthrall me and leave me up for \hours\ wondering\wandering\ what else to do with my time\\\\ but sit in front of glass screened |computers|. It’s the gift and curse and I’m under the cloudy_burst_of_film and pixels and megabytes of crystals and seep and sore and sear into my skin while I listen to stories that break^^my^ heart^--_-_-____. Over and over again like I was Nelly and Tim McGraw and I draw on the ceiling in order to create an atmosphere of cumulus nimbus and temp----estu---ous clouds that rage and roar into my subconscious like a lethal threat only to uphold me and revive me keep me alive to see the way I found out ~blocking~ someone from the other other side was easier than I think.

Delete:

Right)

(Click.

Delete!

Esc/

a/

p/

e.

Thatoughttodothetrick;

| *sigh* |

Before I begin, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful comments re: the Giftmas holiday. Some of you I disagree with *mean grills Jason* and some of you left well thought out comments that have me pondering a bit, thinking I may be coming off a bit harsh *smiles at Tre and Jen, waves at Jen too, thanks for visiting my site :)* But overall, I pretty much stand my ground. The only thing I've caved with, is getting people some kind of gifts, and I decided to MAKE them. I'm on a jewelry making frenzy! Oh and if anyone wants a bracelet or necklace, h-o-l-l-e-r! Gabi, I remember you said you wanted something a while back? Let me know which item you want and I'll get to it, sis.

Anyway, as I was: *siiiiiiiigh*



I dunno where Greg is and it's driving me crazy. (If some of you don't know who Greg is, he's my friend, a really really good friend, my ex as well but that title disappeared loooong ago, umm he's a loser bordering on geekdom, used to be in the airforce in Alaska, he's a punk, still lives there right now but is originally from Cincy, he sucks big time also, aaand that's all ya need to know for now). The last two nights I've dreamt about him, and they were pretty much the same dream:

I'm in some apartment in NY and I have this monster closet full of clothes, almost like Cher's from Clueless, and there's this sense of urgency in the air. And once I start to get anxious, I get this weird phonecall from my either Greg or my mom and she tells me to hurry up cuz he's coming over and he only has an hour for lunch, so I have to be on time, as in be dressed and ready to roll out on time. So I'm digging through this huge closet full of clothes, and I try things on but they never look right, or they're either too big or too small or not appropriate for the summer. And while I'm struggling trying to find clothes, Greg calls me and says he's downstairs and is telling me to buzz him in, or instead that I come outside and meet him by his car or else he's going to leave. It's 12:13pm. I continue struggling with my clothes and my hair, and last night my hair started to fall out, and it was this funny red-orange color (don't ask me why) and then I start to really panic, because time's flying by and I'm shedding like some wild animal. Anyway, by the time I find something decent (but I still don't really like what I'm wearing) I come out of my apt. and look for him. It's now 1:13pm. And woosh, he's gone. So I'm frantically looking for him up and down the streets of Manhattan (why the HECK would I live in hot-arse smogville Manhattan? That's how you know this is a dream, cuz there's no way in hell I'd live there) and I can't find him. Then some other crazy stuff happens where I'm looking for a job, and I'm starving, and some other crap I can't remember.

Anyway, the dreams were really, really wacky - I've only told the basics. And I've dreamt this exact dream about him before...ummm...I'd say back in late summer, a bit before school started. And it always has a lot of clothes, and there's a lot of panic and distress, and I never see him. Yet, he causes all of the commotion.

Anyway, yeah I dunno where dude is. I've called him how many times and sent stupid texts. I even sent a weak text threat (yesterday), but I caved the next day (today) and called him cuz I'm a sucker. I'm trying to figure out if he's mad at me...? But Greg's not the type to be mad at me and ignore me. Greg's a lil more confrontational than that. And if it's because I sent that sarcastic text about his soon-to-be-ex, then I hope he knows that I was joking and really didn't mean what I said. It was a silly comment, cuz I just wanted to point out how insane I think his soon-to-be-ex is, so insane, that she's even convinced me that she's NOT insane. That was the gist of it at least. Ha ha, right? Right? ...No?

Dang.

Side note: Matthew's back in New Orleans and he hates it. I don't blame the poor boy, I'd be mad too. I'd get into the details of his living arrangements, but I don't even know what they are. He has no i-net access, and I can never call him cuz I'm too nocturnal (meaning I'm unavailable in the day, yet have all the time in the world to talk at 3am, hahaha as many of you now know, even SHOP at 3am, however he can't talk to me cuz there's this Gestapo-enforced curfew at his sister's house where he's prohibited from any nightly function besides using the bathroom).

Anyway yeah, back to freakin Gregory. I have this gut feeling something's terribly wrong. And maybe I'm picking up from the panic in my dreams, but I feel really anxious re: him right now. I don't even know why. He could be fine. Just in a funk. Just wants to be left alone. But come on, he pretty much keeps me in the loop about everything, why disappear now? My sister thinks he went back to Cincy, but he doesn't go back home until Feb. I dunno, maybe he's just working a lot? Nah...he'd still at least try to call. Especially since I've left messages. Ugh. If he's ignoring me I'll be REALLY PISSED. Cuz that's a fruity thing to do.

Ok I'm done. I'm just gonna stop caring. I realize people tend to show up once I do that. Losers.

Shabbat Shalom, chaverim.

Hebrew Word of the Day:

Mechayil el Chayil



(me-KHAI-yeel el KHAI-yeel) phr. “From strength to strength."

Current e-Motions: anxiety turning into anger...grrrr! But actually really content inside :) Giftmas is going to be really nice this year. Ohhh and I'm going to this hotel dinner party with my homie Miguel aka Migs for secular New Years! Whoo-hoo, and ya know he's paying for me too, hee hee.
Today's Riddims: GRITS - Dichotomy A - "Get Down"

| Have a happy Saturnalia, punks. |

I'm the grinch of Giftmas, as my girl Souli calls it. I have noooo tolerance for it whatsoever. And PLEASE don't come to me with that 'ohhhh we commemorate Christ's birth, it's just a representation'...*yawn* That argument is as weak as me trying to dodge a Saturday night exam, when I done know it's WAY after sunset.

Giftmas is all about consumerism folks, nothing else. If you really want to celebrate Yeshua's birth, I suggest reading up on Sukkot, cuz most likely that's when our Homeboy was really born.

I'm just annoyed by it all. I feel the most pity for my niece. She's blissfully anticipating the season, because of course she doesn't know better, and in addition, my sister is molding her into all the falsities of this supposed holiday. She's gonna regret it one day, I'm telling you. My niece is only 4, but she likes to know the truth up front or else she'll be crushed when she finds it herself.

Anyway, as for Chanukkah, ummm I think I'm gonna cop that brass menorah I saw at the Judaica shop earlier last week. It sucks being the only person in my house to celebrate it but alas, such is the plight of the Messianic.

Okay, that's my grumpy speech. I had to say SOMETHING. So now I go back to studying for my exam, looming over my overdue essay, and figuring out how I can dodge this so-called New Years coming up soon after this horrid season. Blah I say, blah!

But it's ok kids, I still love you.

Shalom, chaverim.

Hebrew Word of the Day:

Hasharat Hanefesh



(hash-ah-raht han-NE-fesh) n. Immortality. The Immortality of the soul.

Current e-Motions: not too bad...my house is in utter chaos! We're remodeling like crazy.
Today's Riddims: Adam Tillman-Young - Christ For Life (hahahahaa, I wish I could post it!)

| I got Tre's book today. |

Sold onto filed

Weaponry

Wedged between my teeth.

I eat it all up.

I grind for this.

It’s the ISBN number

That hit me in the

Rear

While sitting atop

Of pinwheels printed

Out on vanilla sheets

Binded in coils.

Blue doom

Surrounds the room

And inhales

All of the joy.

Poised myself

For satisfaction.

Tried a game

Of hulahoops for fun.

Traced the creases

That formed

Frowns and smiles

Jumping lines

Illegally

Rebellious.

Lethal

Is

The word

That leads her.

She doesn’t have

Storybooks plastered

Over with technicolors.

She has

Vanilla

And black

As this manual

holy book.

Mantra this,

Mantra that.

Non-liberation

Would be

If I went to sleep instead.

Falling out of

In love

With

The cap covered

Earth

Cradling its shadow

For 12 hrs coming.

Slumming

My tummy

I punch holes

Right through me.

And she watched them

Get delivered

Each time I flipped it.

Cuz she decided

To spread out

Mass appeals

Through Lulu.

Took em up and

Processed the fold

Wedged between my teeth,

Doggy eared.

I gotta save recollections.

There’s more…

So much more,

To read.

(c) 2005

I take it that "To all those I've befriended" applies to me too! Hee hee.

God Bless you sis. I'm drowning in phenomenal right now. For really, really.

Lei: You're up next.


Shabbat Shalom everyone.

| PSA: |

He's married.

"WHAT?!?!"

"Well...that's why it's been difficult for me to call you..."

"Hahahahaahaaa!!!!"

Then he copped a listen to Emcee Dialtone's debut single.

God is hilarious. Truly.

Goodnight, folks.